‘Get your badge out for the Girls’

By Carl Waddington

Wow what a week it was. So many highlights I feel like I have learnt and shared so much with you. My initial aim was to raise awareness about stammering, there have been countless occasions over the years where I have told someone about my stammer and they don’t actually know or understand what it is. Why would they, is wasn’t a very publicised topic I don’t recall knowing anyone who stammered I didn’t even know there was a word for my speaking impediment I just thought I couldn’t say certain things.

However, all this changed in my teens, I remember seeing Gareth Gates on ‘Pop Idol’ and thinking wow I recognise his struggles and frustrations.  The tension is this throat, the blocking and awkward silences. People try to finish his words and sentences. Suddenly I could relate to someone, I wasn’t alone. Most recently the amazing release of the block buster film The Kings Speech. This really set the ball rolling for the stammering ‘community’ and helped to get the word out there. I felt honoured to be able to relate to such a touching and beautiful performance.

Anyway...I seemed to go off on a tangent then, sorry about that haha. Oh yah I wanted to tell you about the fluster I got in today.

This morning I was stopped in the street and asked for the time. A simple task you may think but not for me. My heart sank I could feel a hot flush come over me. As I looked down at my watch I prayed it was an easy time to say, it sounds silly I know but you would be surprised at the ridiculous thoughts that go through my head when I’m in such situations.

Another similar situation is when the shop assistant asks you if you want your receipt, seriously how hard is it to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. It’s such a tiny word why can I not let it roll off my tongue. Thinking about it it’s probably because the pressure is on me to give a simple and direct answer or maybe because I have taught myself that I WILL stammer in this situation. To be completely honest with you I think a large part of my stammer is psychological. Meaning I convince myself even before I open my mouth that I will stammer so I do. After all, my mind is only doing what it is told.

Six months ago I prayed every morning and night to be ‘healed’ from my stammer. I absolutely hated it. I couldn’t understand why I was given this awful and humiliating impediment, why me? What have I seriously done to deserve this? However, like I said that was six months ago and right now, sitting here writing this I can’t believe how much I have changed and even grown with the stammer. Most importantly I am trying to work with it and not against it. I have now stopped praying to be healed, I now pray for opportunities to be put in my path to enable me to use my voice to help raise awareness about stammering. Opportunities like this blog, wearing the badge, being asked to take part in an article in the York Press and to deliver presentations to stammer groups about my recent experiences.

As a result of all these positive vibes, experiences and the wonderful comments and feedback, from you, I am now able to embrace my stammer, after all it made me the individual I am today. It has equipped me with openness, compassion and integrity for others. Yes it is hard some days and I’m sure the future will have plenty of hurdles for me but that’s life. I like being different, having my own quirky asset. I never thought I would ever say this but I’m actually happy that I stammer it gives me uniqueness. I’m more than aware that I have a long journey ahead of me battling against my negative psychological connotations with my voice but I am definitely heading in the right direction. The stammer support group (Reginald Centre Chapelton, Leeds) has been incredible and I can’t thank the therapists and friends, I have made there, enough. It may sound cheesy but they really have changed my life for the better.

I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared of the future, but I’ll tell you something for nothing..I bet the futures also scared of me!! I’m ready for it, lungs full, easy-on-set at the ready and badge in place...B b b b b Bring it on.  

Day 6 ‘Badge Power’

Day 6!!

Over the past few days it has become apparent to me all the various options available to us to avoid direct conversations with people. I had never real noticed it before, but I found myself having to avoid technology to push myself to get in conversation with people in everyday life. From the self service machines in supermarkets and train stations to online shopping, banking and automated phone calls with recorded answers to queries. It really became apparent how easy it would be to just switch off my voice if I really wanted to I could avoid speaking completely due to all these new technological advances filling are lives. 

That got me thinking how often do I actually speak to my friends and family, yes we speak but via text messaging, emails and Facebook is that really the same thing? Putting this thought in to practice I decided to call my friends and find out how they ACTUALLY are. Yes, I may stammer but surely they would prefer a conversation with meaning, compassion and laughter then just a text message. I agree that texting is good at times for a quick question or to pass on a massage but so many times I have had a full bow conversation with someone via text or Facebook instant chat, surely it would be better to pick up a phone and dial there number. If you have been reading my blog you will have seen I am a keen believer in setting challenges for myself. This time I want you to get involved, pick up the phone and call your family and friends use you awesome voice. To you it may just be your voice but to others your fluency would be a gift from God, a dream a life’s desire.

So getting back on track I decided to go for a run down by the river wearing my badge. Whilst down there I decided to sit on the bridge and watch everyone rushing around and getting on with their busy days. I couldn’t help but wonder ‘what do they see as their own imperfections?’ And ‘what would there badge would say if they wore one’.

Day 5 ‘Badge Time’

In comparison to yesterdays antics today was a really awesome day badge related. Whilst walking to church. I was really nerves at the thought of everyone in the congregation actually seeing me wearing the badge, so many people in such a small intimate space. I knew that nobody would judge and everyone would be supportive but the fear of having to talk to lots of different people started to sink in.

However as soon as I walked through the door all my worries were put to bed. Everyone was so encouraging, amazing really. I felt so blessed to have such awesome support. And if anything this spurred me on for the rest of the week. I have started to feel more comfortable at the thought of wearing the badge. The uneasy feeling every time I clasp eyes on it has passed and now I look forward to opportunities to wear it, pushing myself everyday to enter into new situations.

On the way home from church I popped in to Morrison’s, it was mega busy and noisy I could feel my anxiety starting to make itself known. However, I focused on all the positives I had just experienced at church, picked up a basket and off I went.

Standing at the deli counter I could see a queue start to build up behind me and I knew that all these people were going to hear me order. My heart started to beat so fast I thought it was going to explode through my chest. I could feel the stammer starting to take control of my throat and tell me words that I wouldn’t be able to say. In sheer panic I quickly stepped away from the queue just before the man asked me what I would like.

Standing there feeling defeated and annoyed I took a deep breath and jumped back into the queue. ‘Come on Carlos’ I thought, If you can stand up at university and do a presentation in front of the whole seminar group you can order some sliced ham and some green olives.  I thought if I stammer I stammer, to be fair my badge has warned him. It was quickly my turn again and the uneasily feeling started to take over again, however this time I stared the stammer right in the face and made my order. Did I stammer...yes. Did the man seem to care...not at all. I had done it !! I know to some people reading this they may be thinking what is all the fuss about. But imagine not being in control of your speech. Not knowing when you are going to block or s s s s stutter, not being able to say the words you want and feeling scared to open your mouth. If you know me well you will know I have a lot to say, imagine if I didn’t stammer, I would never shut up.  

Day 4 ‘To badge or not to badge’

A funny start to the day, I was walking through town on my way to the post office and I was briefly stopped by a lady and her husband I presumed they wanted directions. When she saw the badge she said ‘oh, it doesn’t matter’ and they walked off. I heard her saying to her husband ‘ he wont be any good he can’t even speak’ . To which I was extremely taken back and to be honest a little peed off, I caught up with them and asked her if she actually knew what stammer was, I said I would have happily directed you, and as you can hear I can speak, I speak extremely dam well. Her husband apologised as she stood there with a face like she was chewing on a wasp. I finished with telling her to educate herself before being so ignorant next time. 

After this situation I found myself wanting to cover up the badge even more, I know it was just one negative comment but those are the ones that sit on your mind. How dare she, who the hell did she think she was. I would love to give my stammer to her for day and see how she gets on.

I carried on with my day, however my confidence was knocked and my stammer seemed to get worse and worse throughout the day. I had to go into the council tax office and I could feel my heart rate speeding up as i got closer. It took my three attempts to get through the door.  I was greeted by a friendly man with a calm voice which made me feel at ease straight away. It always amazes me how my speech differs dependant on the person I am in conversation with.

Turning the negative of this day in to a positive I have at least made the woman more aware, hopefully if she comes across somebody else with a stammer or stutter in the future she will remember our conversation and treat them with more respect.

Day 3 ‘The badge is still on’

Feeling a tad anxious today, I can feel myself bubbling up inside as the public’s eyes are continually pressed up on the badge. I guess that’s why it is there though; I wanted people to notice it. Maybe it’s just my bad mood that is affecting my outlook in the experiment today. I need to chill. After all it is a totally random thing to see somebody wearing.

I popped into in to a lush cafe in York to get a latte. The girl behind the counter saw the badge and wished me ‘Happy Birthday’ (awkward)!! She then read the badge and apologised, bless her she was only being friendly. I couldn't help but laugh which put her at ease again. Unexpectedly this sparked a conversation about her brother who also struggles with a stammer. She explained how helpless she feels when she can see his is stuck or frustrated with his speech. It was such a great opportunity for me to discuss the reason behind the badge and also the group therapy I attended. By this time, the other waitresses were gathered around and an old couple on a small table beside us had also been engrossed in the conversation.

Whilst sat in the Minster gardens enjoying the sunshine and my latte I couldn't help but notice a group of tourists having a picnic. There was one guy who stood out to me, he was hosting the conversations, he looked so confident. Speaking fluently and just saying what he has on his mind at that direct moment no hesitations, no block or tension and definitely no stammers. I can’t help but envy him, his fluent voice that is. 

  

Anyway what is the point on dwelling on what you don’t have, this is me and I need to get over it. Yes I s s s s stammer but does that really define who I am, I think not. There’s so much more to me than a speech impediment. I guess this badge is opening up feelings and thoughts I didn't even know existed. 

Day 2, Wearing the Badge 

So day 2 was a pretty good day all in all. So much happened I just decided to pick out the more interesting points to put on here as I don’t want to bore you all with my entire routine everyday that can wait for my debut on ‘Made in Chelsea.’ Jokes.

On Tuesday I go to my speech therapy group in Leeds at the Reginald Centre.  The group is targeted towards adults who stammer, I adore going as it’s something I look forward to every week. And the friends and therapist I have met there are amazing, it’s such a fantastic opportunity.

Anyway back to the task in hand, one thing I have noticed about wearing this badge is it is getting me a lot of attention in the way of looks and lingering stares. I kept catching people looking at the badge and then my face and then the badge again, and when I made eye contact with them they quickly looked away and pretended they were busy doing something else.   

I had to go and buy a train ticket from York to Leeds for my group session. Usually I would buy them online or at the automated machines on the platform in order to avoid direct conversation with anyone. But today was different, today I decided to grow a pair and buy them from the ticket sales staff, after all it is their job. They lady behind the counter couldn’t stop staring at the badge; her eyes were locked on it along with the screen of her computer. She didn’t glance up at me once, no eye contact at all. To make things worse she spoke to me in such a patronising way as if I was a child or someone from overseas. I mean I know I wear a lot of fake tan but come on; my English is pretty good after all it is my first language. Tad rude I thought so I decided to over compliment her by saying ‘thank you ever so much for your help today, you have been a shining star, have a magical day won’t you.’ Over the top I agree but I couldn’t help myself, she soon raised her eyes to my level and I was presented with a glimpse of a smile.

I guess this kind of exposure makes me feel extremely fortunate that the stammer isn’t such a permanent external factor like a disfigurement or illness. I can’t begin to imagine what a person in that situation would go through on a daily basis but I guess with the massive sign stating my imperfections it is giving me a pretty good insight.

Walking through Leeds at rush hour was an interesting experience; I got a few finger points and laughs off a group of chav’s. They screeched ‘Do you know Ggggareth Ggggates’ at me a few times. But I was to absorbed in my tuna wrap to care. I would actually love to meet him one day and talk about stammering and our experiences with dealing with it. As for the chav’s I have more important things to worry about then a group of shell suits giving me lip.

Overall, I’m enjoying wearing the badge, I thought I would try and hide it or cover it up in public but that isn’t the case. I feel like a proud peacock pushing out my chest to show it off. Defo a turn up for the books, although we will see if this positive attitude continues tomorrow...

Day 1 ‘I have a Stammer Badge’  

So I have decided to get a badge made saying ‘I have a Stammer’ and wear it for a full week. The idea behind this is to see how I feel knowing that everyone I speak to would know straight away, before I open my mouth that I have a  stammer. I thought it would be an amazing chance to not have to hide behind my techniques and various fillers that I have adopted over the years, an opportunity to be the real me, stutters and all. To quote Gaga ‘I was born this way’ so let’s embrace the voice I was born with and show people how to stammer beautifully.

So today is the day the badge NEEDS to be worn for a full 7days (panic hits) ‘truth be told’ I’m not so keen on the idea anymore. When it came in the post I was so excited but the thought of actually wearing it in public is  now a whole different story. The reason being, I guess I usually try and hide my stammer from everyone. I see it as a fault, a burden if you will. Why would I want to show people my imperfections? The idea of literally wearing a sign stating this is a daunting prospect.

To be honest with you my initial fears are that people will avoid speaking to me as I think they won’t want to speak to a stammer as it could be awkward if I block or stutter. Or that it could be embarrassing for them as they aren’t used to the situation. I’m worried people might laugh or will speak to me in a patronising way. But above all I’m anxious that I will be judged and not given the time of day. People just don’t seem to have the time for anyone and if they start speaking to me they could be there all day. I’m anxious I will try and avoid situations like going to the bank, drinks out with friends and using public transport as these are the situations were my speech can be at its worse.  As you can see all these connotations with me wearing the badge are negative and I guess that’s just how I have built up a wall of negatively in relation to my speech. I need to give the public the benefit of the doubt and have some confidence in them. Yes I will come across a few inconsiderate people but I need to focus on the positive souls I’m going to meet and be in conversation with. I need to have some faith in people. All in all the proof will be in the pudding.

I will update throughout the week to let you know how I’m getting on, wish me luck!!

'How to Stammer Like Me'

My first ever blog 'totes excited' here goes...


I was asked by my speech therapist to write a short piece to give an insight of what it is like to stammer. I decided to share this with a few people so here it is...’How to stammer like me’ 

How to stammer like me

By Carl Waddington 

You can usually tell what type of ‘stammer’ day it is going to be the minute you wake up. Obviously you pray for a good day every day but that’s not always on the agenda. My stomach sinks when I realise today is going to be a bad day, the familiar tight shoulders, tension in my neck, mouth and chest and the feeling like someone is tying a rope around your chest and tightening it with every short shallow breath I take. My mind automatically goes into over drive thinking about my day schedule and if there may be a situation in which I will have to speak aloud, a dreaded phone call to the bank, a seminar at university, meeting new people or worse...a presentation. 

Usually, as I am in the shower, I will go over the one word that haunts me, I know I will stammer on this word today. ‘Waddington’, an annoying one as it’s my name, I can hardly change it for an easier name such as ‘Smith’. There have been many times I have been on the phone or waiting at a reception desk and wished I was called ‘Clark’, ‘Bell’ or ‘Barns’. Secondly, with this one, I can hardly pretend I have forgotten it as I would look crazy, with this one word there are no tricks or games I can play with myself, I’m stuck. 

The familiar situation goes over in my mind along with the side effects, when the question is asked, “What’s your name please?” or “And you are?” My heart starts to beat faster, my mouth dries up like an old riverbed, my throat blocks and the tension keeps it that way, C C C C....arl. The usually distressed and uncomfortable look emerges on the receptionist’s face, she then smiles and asks the worst question imaginable “Carl what?” My knees go weak and I can feel myself getting hotter and hotter, the tension and anxiety comes back like a tsunami all over my body, the focal point of course being my mouth and throat, I open my lips to speak and there it is.....silence, the W is stuck in my throat. A few seconds pass and I try again, Www (this time we have lift-off) w...ww...aaaDDINGTON, a feeling of relief comes over me, I pray she heard me and doesn’t say “can you repeat that please” or “how do you spell that?”

The hardest part is trying to hide the fact that I stammer from ‘new’ friends and colleagues. I get so bored of changing words, putting in fillers, pretending to forget what I have to say, implying that I don’t understand when I know full well what is being said, beating around the bush on purpose and speaking in an accent to try and cover up this burden on my life. Then the unthinkable happens (I stammer), usually on a word I would never have expected...you look at their faces to see if anyone noticed, did I manage to hide it? What are they thinking? Do they like me less now? 

As far as things go I have mastered this process quite well, as friends have commented that they didn’t even realise that I had a stammer ‘til I told them. I don’t know if this is a pat on the back as I must be doing a good job at covering it up or a slap in face as I have suffered every single day with this mind project for all the wrong reasons. If I really think they wouldn’t want to be in my life if I stammered I think the question I need to be asking myself is ultimately, would I want them in mine? 

There are many situations that I have come away from feeling disappointed and upset. Not being able to speak fluently or too scared to say something in case I stammer. I worry about the future, the vows and speeches at my wedding, wanting to give words of support to friends and loved ones. Most recently I wanted so much to give a speech at my MA graduation after-party, to thank my family and friends, lecturers and course colleagues for everything over that past year. I spent hours writing the speech and thinking about how I would love to deliver it, but it stayed in my pocket crunched up in my hand never to be read. What was I doing? I was on a dream cloud thinking I would be able to do such things. In this case I set myself up for disappointment, so I have no-one to blame but myself. 

I lay in bed every night and think how wonderful it would be to be normal (fluent), be able to speak the words I want to without struggling or adopting breathing techniques and word exercises. To not have this dark cloud over my life. But then I remember I’m blessed in so many other ways, and there are much worse-off people in this world than me. However, I would be a liar if I said I wouldn’t love to wake up one morning and it to be gone...to be free!!