'How to Stammer Like Me'

My first ever blog 'totes excited' here goes...


I was asked by my speech therapist to write a short piece to give an insight of what it is like to stammer. I decided to share this with a few people so here it is...’How to stammer like me’ 

How to stammer like me

By Carl Waddington 

You can usually tell what type of ‘stammer’ day it is going to be the minute you wake up. Obviously you pray for a good day every day but that’s not always on the agenda. My stomach sinks when I realise today is going to be a bad day, the familiar tight shoulders, tension in my neck, mouth and chest and the feeling like someone is tying a rope around your chest and tightening it with every short shallow breath I take. My mind automatically goes into over drive thinking about my day schedule and if there may be a situation in which I will have to speak aloud, a dreaded phone call to the bank, a seminar at university, meeting new people or worse...a presentation. 

Usually, as I am in the shower, I will go over the one word that haunts me, I know I will stammer on this word today. ‘Waddington’, an annoying one as it’s my name, I can hardly change it for an easier name such as ‘Smith’. There have been many times I have been on the phone or waiting at a reception desk and wished I was called ‘Clark’, ‘Bell’ or ‘Barns’. Secondly, with this one, I can hardly pretend I have forgotten it as I would look crazy, with this one word there are no tricks or games I can play with myself, I’m stuck. 

The familiar situation goes over in my mind along with the side effects, when the question is asked, “What’s your name please?” or “And you are?” My heart starts to beat faster, my mouth dries up like an old riverbed, my throat blocks and the tension keeps it that way, C C C C....arl. The usually distressed and uncomfortable look emerges on the receptionist’s face, she then smiles and asks the worst question imaginable “Carl what?” My knees go weak and I can feel myself getting hotter and hotter, the tension and anxiety comes back like a tsunami all over my body, the focal point of course being my mouth and throat, I open my lips to speak and there it is.....silence, the W is stuck in my throat. A few seconds pass and I try again, Www (this time we have lift-off) w...ww...aaaDDINGTON, a feeling of relief comes over me, I pray she heard me and doesn’t say “can you repeat that please” or “how do you spell that?”

The hardest part is trying to hide the fact that I stammer from ‘new’ friends and colleagues. I get so bored of changing words, putting in fillers, pretending to forget what I have to say, implying that I don’t understand when I know full well what is being said, beating around the bush on purpose and speaking in an accent to try and cover up this burden on my life. Then the unthinkable happens (I stammer), usually on a word I would never have expected...you look at their faces to see if anyone noticed, did I manage to hide it? What are they thinking? Do they like me less now? 

As far as things go I have mastered this process quite well, as friends have commented that they didn’t even realise that I had a stammer ‘til I told them. I don’t know if this is a pat on the back as I must be doing a good job at covering it up or a slap in face as I have suffered every single day with this mind project for all the wrong reasons. If I really think they wouldn’t want to be in my life if I stammered I think the question I need to be asking myself is ultimately, would I want them in mine? 

There are many situations that I have come away from feeling disappointed and upset. Not being able to speak fluently or too scared to say something in case I stammer. I worry about the future, the vows and speeches at my wedding, wanting to give words of support to friends and loved ones. Most recently I wanted so much to give a speech at my MA graduation after-party, to thank my family and friends, lecturers and course colleagues for everything over that past year. I spent hours writing the speech and thinking about how I would love to deliver it, but it stayed in my pocket crunched up in my hand never to be read. What was I doing? I was on a dream cloud thinking I would be able to do such things. In this case I set myself up for disappointment, so I have no-one to blame but myself. 

I lay in bed every night and think how wonderful it would be to be normal (fluent), be able to speak the words I want to without struggling or adopting breathing techniques and word exercises. To not have this dark cloud over my life. But then I remember I’m blessed in so many other ways, and there are much worse-off people in this world than me. However, I would be a liar if I said I wouldn’t love to wake up one morning and it to be gone...to be free!!