Day 5 ‘Badge Time’

In comparison to yesterdays antics today was a really awesome day badge related. Whilst walking to church. I was really nerves at the thought of everyone in the congregation actually seeing me wearing the badge, so many people in such a small intimate space. I knew that nobody would judge and everyone would be supportive but the fear of having to talk to lots of different people started to sink in.

However as soon as I walked through the door all my worries were put to bed. Everyone was so encouraging, amazing really. I felt so blessed to have such awesome support. And if anything this spurred me on for the rest of the week. I have started to feel more comfortable at the thought of wearing the badge. The uneasy feeling every time I clasp eyes on it has passed and now I look forward to opportunities to wear it, pushing myself everyday to enter into new situations.

On the way home from church I popped in to Morrison’s, it was mega busy and noisy I could feel my anxiety starting to make itself known. However, I focused on all the positives I had just experienced at church, picked up a basket and off I went.

Standing at the deli counter I could see a queue start to build up behind me and I knew that all these people were going to hear me order. My heart started to beat so fast I thought it was going to explode through my chest. I could feel the stammer starting to take control of my throat and tell me words that I wouldn’t be able to say. In sheer panic I quickly stepped away from the queue just before the man asked me what I would like.

Standing there feeling defeated and annoyed I took a deep breath and jumped back into the queue. ‘Come on Carlos’ I thought, If you can stand up at university and do a presentation in front of the whole seminar group you can order some sliced ham and some green olives.  I thought if I stammer I stammer, to be fair my badge has warned him. It was quickly my turn again and the uneasily feeling started to take over again, however this time I stared the stammer right in the face and made my order. Did I stammer...yes. Did the man seem to care...not at all. I had done it !! I know to some people reading this they may be thinking what is all the fuss about. But imagine not being in control of your speech. Not knowing when you are going to block or s s s s stutter, not being able to say the words you want and feeling scared to open your mouth. If you know me well you will know I have a lot to say, imagine if I didn’t stammer, I would never shut up.