‘Get your badge out for the Girls’

By Carl Waddington

Wow what a week it was. So many highlights I feel like I have learnt and shared so much with you. My initial aim was to raise awareness about stammering, there have been countless occasions over the years where I have told someone about my stammer and they don’t actually know or understand what it is. Why would they, is wasn’t a very publicised topic I don’t recall knowing anyone who stammered I didn’t even know there was a word for my speaking impediment I just thought I couldn’t say certain things.

However, all this changed in my teens, I remember seeing Gareth Gates on ‘Pop Idol’ and thinking wow I recognise his struggles and frustrations.  The tension is this throat, the blocking and awkward silences. People try to finish his words and sentences. Suddenly I could relate to someone, I wasn’t alone. Most recently the amazing release of the block buster film The Kings Speech. This really set the ball rolling for the stammering ‘community’ and helped to get the word out there. I felt honoured to be able to relate to such a touching and beautiful performance.

Anyway...I seemed to go off on a tangent then, sorry about that haha. Oh yah I wanted to tell you about the fluster I got in today.

This morning I was stopped in the street and asked for the time. A simple task you may think but not for me. My heart sank I could feel a hot flush come over me. As I looked down at my watch I prayed it was an easy time to say, it sounds silly I know but you would be surprised at the ridiculous thoughts that go through my head when I’m in such situations.

Another similar situation is when the shop assistant asks you if you want your receipt, seriously how hard is it to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. It’s such a tiny word why can I not let it roll off my tongue. Thinking about it it’s probably because the pressure is on me to give a simple and direct answer or maybe because I have taught myself that I WILL stammer in this situation. To be completely honest with you I think a large part of my stammer is psychological. Meaning I convince myself even before I open my mouth that I will stammer so I do. After all, my mind is only doing what it is told.

Six months ago I prayed every morning and night to be ‘healed’ from my stammer. I absolutely hated it. I couldn’t understand why I was given this awful and humiliating impediment, why me? What have I seriously done to deserve this? However, like I said that was six months ago and right now, sitting here writing this I can’t believe how much I have changed and even grown with the stammer. Most importantly I am trying to work with it and not against it. I have now stopped praying to be healed, I now pray for opportunities to be put in my path to enable me to use my voice to help raise awareness about stammering. Opportunities like this blog, wearing the badge, being asked to take part in an article in the York Press and to deliver presentations to stammer groups about my recent experiences.

As a result of all these positive vibes, experiences and the wonderful comments and feedback, from you, I am now able to embrace my stammer, after all it made me the individual I am today. It has equipped me with openness, compassion and integrity for others. Yes it is hard some days and I’m sure the future will have plenty of hurdles for me but that’s life. I like being different, having my own quirky asset. I never thought I would ever say this but I’m actually happy that I stammer it gives me uniqueness. I’m more than aware that I have a long journey ahead of me battling against my negative psychological connotations with my voice but I am definitely heading in the right direction. The stammer support group (Reginald Centre Chapelton, Leeds) has been incredible and I can’t thank the therapists and friends, I have made there, enough. It may sound cheesy but they really have changed my life for the better.

I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared of the future, but I’ll tell you something for nothing..I bet the futures also scared of me!! I’m ready for it, lungs full, easy-on-set at the ready and badge in place...B b b b b Bring it on.